Thursday, April 28, 2005

 

Hard Direction

My girlfriend stepped on my nuts today and CRUSHED them. I had like 50 of them laid out around the yard to try to attract squirrels and she just walks out there and messes them all up. I don't know why she would do that unless she just doesn't want the whole neighborhood to see my nuts. But I don't know why they would care, they have them all over their yards too.

There are so many people out there that are legally blind. Legally blind doesn't seem to be all that bad, I would just hate to be illegally blind. Always getting arrested for being blind.... "Hey lady.. You got your Blind Card?" "Umm sorry officer...I....left...it at home...." "Thats it whore, you're coming down to the station with me! Nobody lacks vision in MY city and gets away with it!"

It smells like Canada in my bathroom and there is really no excuse for that. I don't know if it is because of the new pine air freshener we have in there or the dead body of a middle aged man named Pierre, but either way we have to do something about it. I hate smelling Canada.

Two very interesting questions about Star Trek: 1. How did the aliens know English? and 2. How did the guy with no eyes also host Reading Rainbow? So he can't even see but he can teach kids how to read? That would be like Rosie O'Donnell teaching a middle school sex ed class. I mean because she hasn't ever had sex with a middle schooler. Or HAS she.....

If you really like a girl and you don't think she takes you seriously, sodomize her brother. That will show her that you really mean business.

I want to be one of those guys that everybody looks at and thinks, "I bet his farts smell like the ebola virus."

My brother got crabs from this girl that lives down the block. He has tried many things but he cannot get them under control. I told him that crabs make terrible pets because they just crawl around and pinch people, plus they need to be near the ocean to live a fulfilling life. But no, he couldn't just get a dog or a goldfish, he had to have something different.

I remember when I was a kid we used to make fun of this one guy named Alex. We used to do stupid stuff like give him wedgies, call him stinky, or kill his closest relatives. It was all fun and games until we accidentally ripped his underwear on the playground. He told on us and we had to stay in from recess for like a whole week. Good thing they never found out about us calling him stinky though, because that would have been like two weeks of no recess.

Although nicknames are a good way to have fake names that you call people instead of using their real names, they are terrible at removing even the lightest stains.

Opinions are like scrotums, they are wrinkly and contain testicles and are covered with annoying hairs that, once shaved, grow back even more itchy than before. Yep, thats opinions.

If I had to pick my favorite time of the day to have sex, it would be now. Every time you asked. Unless you asked while I was having sex. Then I would just let your mom answer for me. Because she would probably be at home not doing anything while I was having sex. But I don't know her so she may not be at home. I can't really be sure on this one. I'm not familiar with her daily schedule.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

 

Button or Zipper?

Do NOT buy a medicine ball. I bought one a few weeks ago at Wal-Mart and I am not happy with it. I have been using it every single day. The box said I would see results in as little as 2 weeks, but I have been using it for 4 weeks now and I am still sick.

Spring is like the waiting room for summer. We just sit in spring and read crappy home and gardening magazines and look at the man who looks to be a little TOO fond of his 10 year old daughter...with her sitting there bouncing in his lap and rubbing lotion on his hairy chest... Ahhh the pediatrician's office....

At my job, we are constantly running credit checks on people before they are allowed to purchase our products. I have found that the group of people that have the best credit is gay men. If you think about it that actually makes sense. Can you hear a gay guy saying, "If I dont pay my car payment, what are YOU gonna do about it?" or maybe "Visa can kiss my ass!"?? The group of people with the worst credit-- surprisingly its the Incas.

The Berenstein Bears are the only Jewish bears I have ever heard of. They have plenty of money but they choose to live in a shiesty little tree house and save money. Whereas the Rodriguez Bears also live in a tiny house with 5 other familys, but they all drive 30 thousand dollar low riders and they pay for everything with cash. The McNeal Bears pay for everything with check cards and get beat up by the Rodriguez bears and ripped off by the Berensteins.

I am the world's oldest living abortion. The doctors did everything they could but I still survived.

Sometimes I feel like I need to add a little sugar to my coffee if you know what I'm saying. If you don't know what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that I need to add sugar to my coffee. And by "add", I mean "put it in"....and by "sugar in my coffee", I mean "Splenda in my coffee".

I hate that "Walk Like An Egyptian" Video from the 80's. That little dance is such a tragedy. It looks like they are having a Julius Seizure.

The best thing about used car dealerships is the fact that not only are the cars used, they also come with the standard feature called the "gas tank that will blow up the whole car if you shoot it." That is huge when considering which used car lot to shoot cars in.

Pubic hair looks like if somebody killed Richard Simmons and scalped him, then glued his pubic hair on to everybody else.

That last sentence reminded me of how dangerous it is to write the word "public." You leave out one simple letter and you have the less appropriate but much funnier word "pblic." That can be very embarassing if you are trying to print out 500 advertisements for the new "Public Hair Styling Salon" and you accidentally put "Pblic Hair Styling Salon." People would laugh.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

 

Can't Buy Me

I haven't posted for like 4 days because I have been struggling with this computer virus. It's really all my fault though. The other night I had unprotected cyber sex with a girl from Vermont. But she SAID it was her first time....

Think how bad the earth would be if nobody had ever died. For one, the world would be grossly over-populated. Plus Sonny Bono would probably be humping my leg right now if not for mortality...

Sometimes I reach a state in which there is no capacity for abstract thought, no intellectual advancement, and a legal age of consent of 19. That state is called Alabama, and I am wanted there.

The other day when mom was cleaning up my mess from breakfast and mentally preparing to cook my lunch, she started rambling on about getting a job. Silly woman. What is with women these days wanting jobs??? What are they going to want next...suffrage? Before you know it women will be wanting equal housing lending and even INSURANCE! If we keep letting our women take breaks between meals they are going to take over our country. Just look at that Ryan Seacrest chick. We give her a few minutes on tv and the next thing you know, her face shows up every time you turn on the tv.

Times are changing though. In the past three years, the Hispanic population in my city has increased by 23%, the white population has therefore decreased significantly, and the African-American population is still responsible for 83% of all theft related crimes and/or basketball scholarships.

If I found a lamp and rubbed it and then a genie came out and told me I could make three wishes, I would just wonder what the living conditions are like in the lamp and how he stays in such good shape while abiding in the aforementioned lamp. Rent is probably cheap, and it actually has more room than my apartment. Ok that was an exaggeration. Rent is probably not very cheap...

Childbirth is a very beautiful thing unless you actually watch it.

Sex is like Pop-tarts except for there is no frosting. And if there IS frosting, you don't want to taste it. It is also like movie tickets because when you walk in, the guy rips half of it off then tells you which direction you walk to get to the correct theater, in which you go sit down and watch previews first. The previews are usually long and they show you basically the whole movie. I swear every Martin Lawrence movie does that.

I want to start a motorcycle gang. But not like a really rough one. Like one with doctors and lawyers and business men and guys that work part time at Proffits. If we have a wreck with you, we will mend your wounds, sue you, sell you insurance, and look good at a reasonable price.

Monday, April 04, 2005

 

Roller Coaster...of Mutual Respect

My cousin Mitchell will never get laid. This kid is so ugly he has to pour beer all over his right hand just to get it to jerk him off. Sometimes he has to crush up some roofies and rub them into his palm...

There is no "I" in sodomy. Don't be selfish my friend...it's not all about you.

Teamwork is just an excuse for people who suck at something and have to get a bunch of other people to help them. Like Congress. And orgies...

I can't think of any situation in which I would need steel-toed boots. Unless there was a huge magnet and I wanted to get my feet stuck on it. Or if I wanted to kick Janet Reno in her prostate.

I think abortion is mostly for pregnant people who don't want to have babies. Pregnant WOMEN that is.

I always thought that food stamps were postage stamps that you could put on food and mail it to other places. Turns out thats not what they are for. You can mail the food, just not to other places.

I was serving this couple their dinner at Applebee's back when I was in high school. They got mad at me and asked to talk to my manager. I didn't really work there, so I didn't know the manager. So I let them talk to my friend Steve instead. Steve was black. They were black. Steve was their son. Thats how they knew I was lying.

Any time you are typing there is an option to type in Italics. Italics are thin and slanted to the right. Does that tell you anything about Italians? It tells me one really important thing. They have slightly crooked necks and great vision.

I don't understand womens' dress suits with shoulder pads. They are going to the office, not to an NFL tryout. "Ok Mrs. Peters, you have 2 sales reports to do by noon, a meeting with the consultant at 2, then full speed tackling drills at 3:30."

Sunday, April 03, 2005

 

Threshhold of Sanitation

Recent polls showed that Terri Shiavo is the most publicized vegetable since Larry the Tomato. And since tomatoes are now considered fruit, I guess that would make Mrs. Shiavo the # 1 vegetable. Congratulations Terri for a job unconsciously done. Congress ruled to end her life by basically starving her to death. My only problem with that is that they still allow Kirstie Alley to eat whatever she wants.

If you have a 12 inch penis, you have to be a porn star. There is really no other career option for people like that. You can't be packing a footlong be a mailman. It's just not fundamentally correct. That would be like a black guy being a professional pianist or a mexican being a professional anything. Or a white guy getting shot for writing that...

A few years ago I was traveling to Florida via airplane. At the airport, the lady at the desk told me I had to return my first class ticket for a ticket to sit in coach. Little did I know she meant the tv show Coach, so I missed my flight AND got spit on by Craig T. Nelson.

Sometimes I think there is nothing better than sex, and then American Idol comes on and I remember that there is actually one thing better than sex. Killing Ryan Seacrest.

Rapper Ludacris states in one of his songs, "Jesus save but Ludacris withdraws." Well guess what Ludacris, when judgement day comes, Jesus is going to have a lot more money in his bank account than you. Then who is gonna be rollin on 20's? Thats right, still you. But Jesus will have more money is what I'm trying to say. The only thing He has probably bought in the past 2000 years is the Passion of the Christ DVD and a few bags ofLay's potato chips. Even our Savior can't eat just one...

Think how much Elian Gonzales gets laid now.

My underwear smells like if John Goodman took a dump on Ross Perot's face, plus garlic. The garlic is probably from stuffing my boxers with a Olive Garden breadstick, but we will save that for another day.

My aunt told me one time that the way she got her job was by wearing a short skirt and winking at the boss. Apparently the manager at Food Lion thought I had a twitch and wasn't too impressed by my balls hanging out of the skirt. The reason I say that is because after he hired me, he only asked me out like 3 or 4 more times, then just quit calling altogether. Typical grocery store managers...love 'em and leave 'em. Just because they have so much power and prestige, they think they can toy with our hearts....

When Regis Philbin dies, he will have to answer for his outfits.

I bought a W.W.V.D bracelet today. I don't know what it stands for, but I do know what it does not stand for, stem cell research. It just does not approve of that. Actually I don't know that, but it has "V.D." in it, and since all my friends are immature we can laugh at that for hours.

I think if more people recycled there would be less crime in America. Because that way, instead of robbing a liquor store, gangsters would just go to the recycling center and throw bottles and old newspapers in there. That is why I would make a great President...I understand how the people work. And even though most gang members don't work, that doesn't mean they aren't qualified for full time employment. In fact, many of them have degrees. Not college degrees, but some other kind of degrees. Maybe Celcius degrees, but I can't be sure.

Monday, March 28, 2005

 

Guess Who's Back? Not Jon Ritter....

Today I was on my way to class, going about 48 in a 45, and out of nowhere came the majestic Catoosa County Sherriff Car #575. After asking me why I was going so fast, the officer slapped me on the head with my own drivers license. He came back with a ticket and told me to sign it. Since I lack retardation, I was going to read it before I signed my name. "Do they not have a class down there that teaches you how to sign your name?" he asked in response to my short pause. It was at that moment I lost all respect for the man. Like we have a class in college that teaches how to sign names. Idiot. "Yes officer, I am actually majoring in personal signatures with a minor in penmanship." Did they not have a class in police training on asking relevant, intelligent questions? Did they not have a mint at the gas station to prevent that breath?

In response to the Chumbucket post about being stuck in a corner...I began thinking about my experiences with that as a child. When my parents would send me to the corner, I learned to use that as my masturbation station. Since nobody could see what I was doing, I could do it all day and never get caught. I was probably the only child who actually enjoyed being sent to the corner. It was a hell of a lot better than when dad got his belt out, but either way there was a lot of spanking going on....

I am really good in bed. Not in a sexual way...just in general. I am good at sleeping without rolling off the bed and great at reading in dim lighting. I can also fold my sheets while lying in the bed. When it comes to sex, I'm awful...but nobody can say I am bad in bed because of all the good things I can do.

Turtles piss me off bc they have this hard covering that they live in and it like, protects them and stuff. And they can go down inside it and hide and then come back out when the enemy is gone. But if you put them on their backs, they can't turn back over because of the hard covering thing they have. I think its called a dynasty. Or a shell, can't remember. But its one of those two...dynasty or shell. I think shell. Ok I don't remember. But its either dynasty or shell. Or cartilage. No its not cartilage. Its shell or cartilage. Or dynasty. I think its one of those though.

You know the things on Men In Black that erase your memory? How do those things work? Do you just pick what memory you want them to forget or what? Because I want one of them. I have this memory of seeing Danny Devito getting out of the shower...and I want to make sure I don't accidentally erase that one. I mean thats if I actually get one of them...Which I probably wont because #1-My parents are cheap and #2 they don't exist. The memory things I mean...not my parents. My parents definitely exist because I saw them one time and they were real. Tommy Lee Jones' boobs I mean.

Here's why I would not want a list of the numbers in Jenny Craig's cell phone: They are probably fat. Oh and because I don't even know them and it would be rude to call them this late having never met them. And they are probably all fat.

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